Hard lessons.
God is teaching me a hard lesson right now. It’s been going on for about a semester, I suppose. He’s trying to teach me that life isn’t the future. Life isn’t about my career, or about going on the mission field when I’m older. Life isn’t about graduating college, nor filling out resumes. Life certainly isn’t about stress or worrying.
Life is now.
Life is the air I breathe.
Life is the sound of the rain hitting the pavement.
Life is the wind blowing through my hair.
Life is hugging people I love and knowing that they love me back.
Life is the adrenaline rush after a 5 mile run.
Life is looking at the clock and realizing God gave me 10:13 PM of another day.
Life is laughter.
Life is going on all around me.
Life is now. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Right now. That’s all I’ve got, and worrying about tomorrow won’t make a difference in tomorrow, it’ll just make today worse.
It’s really hard. I come from a family of worriers, and I know that I could be living a life that would make my family’s lives easier: If i had a job, for example.
But right now is all we’ve got. Breathe it in. Laugh at yourself when you make mistakes. Cry when you feel like it. Eat the chocolate cake, then exercise later. Take initiative. Love God recklessly. Calm down. Like yourself.
Those are all lessons I’m learning. It’s really hard. Talking to dad and Rhonda today, I cried my eyes out, for about an hour. I hate letting my guard down. I want them to think I’m strong. The truth? I’m completely not. I don’t have it together. I don’t have any self confidence whatsoever. But I want it. I want to be better. I want life. I want freedom from my mind and thoughts. I honestly do. It’s so hard for me, though. I need strength. And I need God. All the time, with every breath, I need Him.
