alison leigh.

So i finished my second semester of my sophomore college. Exciting, right? I have mixed emotions about it. My dad reminded me that I’m an upperclassman now. I kind of didn’t like hearing it vocalized.

I want to tell you how I feel right now…. and that is terrified. I’m terrified about how terrible my relationship with God is right now. What’s even scarier? I’m going to be teaching kids [theoretically] how to have a relationship with God in approximately 22 days, which is when the first groups arrive to Big Creek.

It gives me butterflies in my stomach just thinking about. It makes me angry at myself for letting myself get so distant from God, so confused about who He is and what lie is about. This semester, despite the amount that I loved it, put a block between me and God. Because I’ve been hammered growing up with what to believe.. “just because.” I’ve never had legitimate reasons to believe what I believe. (Not that God is illegitimate, or Christianity), but “just because” is not an admissible reason.

Paul, in Philippians, is warning these new Christians not to become confused about Judaizers, who were people that insisted on adhering to the Jewish Law and accepting Christ’s death/resurrection. Anyway, he passionately proclaims:

“For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death…”

I want that so bad. I want to gain Christ. I want to be found in Christ. I want my righteousness to be Christ. I want my righteousness to depend solely on my faith. And the last part is what my soul is crying out. I want to KNOW him. I mean.. honestly know him. Not know about him. Or know silly jingles i learned when i was four. Or know Bible studies that have been drilled in my head. I want to know what Christ is really all about.

His passion for the broken. His love for every single person. His power that He offers. The grace that he supposedly extends to me every single day. His desires. I want to see beauty. I want to see Christ. I want to know Him.

And, I don’t want to be scared. I want to be confident. I want God to actually use me this Summer. I want lives to be changed. By that, I mean I want people to actually start caring about people, because that’s who Christ was. I want them to love, to find beauty, to smile, to have joy and peace and comfort. I want that. I want to want that. I want others to want that. I want others to have that.

In other news, I have to teach Sunday School this coming Sunday. Which is a joke, since I feel so far away from God right now.